Is Adoption right for you?

As an adoptive parent, I know a lot about adoption.  I don't know everything, but I do know a lot.  Not only do I have a personal relationship with adoption, but I am always reading and talking to other people whose lives were also touched by adoption.  I love the support system of other adoptive families.  To hear their stories and to get their perspectives and to hear of their triumphs and challenges and how they handle the challenges.  I am also always willing to share with others the knowledge that I have as well as my personal story.  

When someone starts a conversation with me about adoption I am in heaven.  There is nothing better than talking to people about the gift of adoption.  Especially if a person knew nothing about adoption, and I was able to open their heart and mind to understand and accept all that adoption is.   

Some conversations are brief, some are more in depth.  Some ask a lot of questions about the process.  Some ask a lot of questions about the children. Some ask why adopt internationally rather than domestically......... and the list goes on.  

Some tell me that I am a special person because I have adopted. 
That is the furthest from the truth.  I am no different than anyone else.  I did not do anything extra special.  My situation was one of desperation.  I had suffered so much while struggling to grow my family,  that adoption became the only option left for us.  I was not one of those people who was called to adopt from the time I was very young.  Even though Bill is adopted, I never really looked at adoption as an option for me and my family. 

So, I am proof that adoption comes into people's lives in different ways. Some people know from early on that they will adopt.  They have the why, where, when and hows all worked out.  Some are put in the position to adopt when they least expect it.  Some are like me and the option to adopt evolves and the love of adoption keeps them coming back for more.


Just as people have different likes for food, fashion, religious beliefs, etc. there are different likes for adoption.  There are some people who couldn't imagine adopting an older child over an infant or a boy instead of a girl, a healthy child instead of a child with special needs.  They couldn't imagine adopting a Hispanic child over an Asian child or an African child over a Caucasian child.  Luckily there are so many options in the world of adoption that no matter what your like is there will be a program that meets your needs and desire. 

I tell people how adoption is the most WONDERFUL gift a family can receive!!  I also tell them that the road to get there may not be so wonderful and that once you arrive things may not be so desirable.  The road is LONG!  It is DIFFICULT!  It is SCARY!  It is UNPREDICTABLE!  It is EMOTIONAL! It can be HEARTBREAKING, but it can also be WONDERFUL!!  

I know that everyone is called to adopt differently, but once you feel that you are ready to adopt, you need to soak up as much information as you possibly can and be prepared for everything.  

Expectations should not be one of only euphoria and fantasy.  Adoption is a hard road for everyone involved and the outcome is not always what you daydreamed about.  

Families interested in adoption need to do their homework.  They also need to be realistic in what they can and are willing to take on.  Only you can decide in what capacity you are able to successfully open your heart to adoption.  Being a parent in any capacity is a tough job and you have to be prepared.  People tend to think that just because you are adopting you can choose the best of the best and weed out any problems.  This couldn't be further from the truth. 

Whether adopting or giving birth to your child, there are no guarantees.  Your child can be born healthy and develop normally or they can be born healthy and develop problems.  They may even be born with problems that perhaps went undetected before birth.  Same goes with an adopted child. Know that with any adoption, you may not have all the facts you hope to have.  Those that are disclosed may not be accurate.  You may also deal with a normal child who cannot overcome the trauma of loss associated with being adopted.  Bottom line is, there is no guarantee with life or adoption.
 
We know, that as we venture into our next adoption, that it may not be all sunshine and sandy beaches.  Adopting an older child has it's challenges.  This child will have had anywhere from 3 to 6 years of a life without us in it.  Regardless of the circumstances in her life, it was her life and the only one she knows.  While we may not see it as ideal, she is comfortable there.  She will have a very hard time adjusting to her new life with us.  She has suffered loss already when she was placed for adoption and she will once again suffer loss when she is placed with us.  We will allow her time to grieve the loss of the only life she knows and the loss of the people in it.  We will allow time to earn her trust in us, to bond with us and to one day love us.  We will allow ourselves and Olivia time to grieve the loss of the life we knew and to learn to cope with the ups and downs we will endure as we all learn to be a family.  

So, whether or not adoption is right for you is a question that only you can answer.  The best way to figure out that answer is to do your research, know what you and your family can handle, open your heart and educate yourself.  Find a support system that works for you and use that support system, before, during and after your adoption.  Have faith. If you have doubts, figure out why and listen to your heart and your head to make the best decision possible for you and your family.  

If saying "no" to adoption is not an option then work hard to make it work and you won't regret it.  We did!!

Step 2

Actually, I'm not sure what step I'm on.........that didn't take long did it.  I've lost it and I am only on step 2.........I think.

This adoption is very different from the first adoption.  Different not just in that we chose a different country, but different in that I am in a different place in my life and have different obligations that I didn't have the first time around.   

The first time it was me, Bill and 2 dogs.  My time was my own and I could spend as little or as much time on paperwork as I wanted to and no one cared.  This time around I have a daughter who is "my own time".  This time I don't get to come home from work and spend the entire night working on paperwork.  I get to wait until she is in bed and sound asleep before getting started.  Olivia is a night owl, she doesn't like to go to bed early, she doesn't even like to go to bed late, she doesn't like to go to bed unless I go to bed.  She would stay up as long as I do if I let her.  So, on a good night she is asleep by 10 and I can go downstairs and start working on things, (that is if I can keep my eyes open long enough to get at least one thing done), but on a not so good night I don't even come close to getting started.  So, to say it is taking a long time to complete this step would be an understatement.

Having done this before I thought it would be so easy.  I would be able to get the thick homestudy packet filled out and their requested documents retrieved and sent back to them within a few days of receiving it.  Wrong!  

Having done it before helps me to understand what I am doing and why, but it doesn't help me one bit to expedite it.  No, that requires free time on my part to devote to this.  Something I don't have this time around.  I'm not complaining though, because the crazy paperchase of adoption is what allowed me to be blessed with my beautiful daughter and I cherish every moment I have with her.  So, to that, I will take the snail's pace that I am chasing paper at and I will take, that I don't know, or for that matter, don't care what step I'm on.  I am just grateful to be making progress!

Step One

So, let the paper chase begin!!!!  

In case you have never heard that term before, and probably if you've never adopted you wouldn't hear that term, we are in the depths of the paper chase.  That means that we are working diligently at filling out, copying, notarizing, obtaining and sending document after document after document!  All in the name of the Homestudy and Dossier.

I am spending many late nights after my night owl goes to bed working on filling out paperwork and gathering documents, etc.  

Our homestudy agency requires a large amount of paperwork to be  submitted before they will even assign a social worker.  With the amount of paperwork involved they should be paying me instead of me paying them.  After I finish this packet there really isn't much left for the social worker to do.

Bill and I have gone to the CBI for our fingerprints to be taken.  Raleigh now does the fingerprinting at the very nice (not kidding) juvenile detention center.  So, as we entered the facility there were guards and a metal detector to go through.  I decided to take this opportunity to tell Olivia that this would be the place she would have to live if she made bad choices in life and did things that were against the law.  Probably should have waited until we on our way out of the building instead of in, because she refused to go through the metal detector and venture beyond the guards into the unknown.  Luckily she stayed close to me so she had no choice, but to follow me through the detector.  I must say she was very well behaved in there (LOL).  

Once we obtained our fingerprints I filled out the proper forms, attached money order for payment and sent them to the State Bureau of Investigations for a background check.  They will send me the results to include in our homestudy and dossier (more on what that is later).

Next, I realize that I don't have original stamped copies of Bill and my birth certificates or marriage license.  Of course they originated in NY so I can't just go downtown and request them, instead I have to order them over the Internet.  The lovely great state of NY (not) charges $47.20 $52.25for each birth certificate and marriage license.  Now, you could save $17.42 $22.25 per document if you are willing to wait 12 to 14 weeks to receive your copies............ARE YOU KIDDING ME..........12 to 14 weeks...........and they say Southerners are slow! 

I don't have 12 to 14 weeks to dilly dally around waiting on documents so here's your $52.26 $66.75 NY so I can receive my documents in 5 to 10 business days.  For that price they should turn it around in 3 to 5 days.  The real exciting part is that once I receive them I have to send them back to NY's Secretary of State so they can authenticate them.  I'm afraid to look and see what they charge for that service and how long they take.  Raleigh turns them around the same day if they are there before 10am.  Boooo to you NY!

Anyway, there is a lot more to say about the paperwork, but this post is long enough and I'll be amazed if anyone reads it to the end.  I guess I will put a picture of Olivia here as a reward for reading this post.
Until next post....... 

  

The Beginning!!

They say that God works in mysterious ways.  I have to agree with that statement.  Where He leads us and why, is not always apparent, but being open to following His lead will show you the where's and the why's when the time is right.
 
Adopting Olivia has been the most wonderful experience of my entire life!  Having her for my daughter is the best thing that has ever happened to me next to marrying my husband.  But the path I took to finally have her in my life was less than desirable.  I questioned many times the why's of the road He was leading me down.  Especially since my life had been pretty much your basic run of the mill life.  I did things in the order and manner that they were typically supposed to be done.  I went to elementary school, middle school, high school, college, dated, got engaged, got married, bought a house, had a baby................no, wait that last one was anything but run of the mill.  No, that last one took on a life of it's own.  I was traveling down the run of the mill road to have a child, but that was not His plan.   Don't get me wrong, I was happy with my run of the mill life.  I enjoyed every minute of those steps I took and I wouldn't change a thing, that is until I got to the part about having a child, well that left a lot to be desired.  I am grateful however, for the struggles I endured trying to bear a child.  After all it taught me so much about myself, my husband and life in general.  Not saying that I couldn't have done without all that, but truly I am blessed to have been able to travel the rough road of fertility treatment and losses.  

After the second loss, as I was about to just close my eyes and crash into the extreme darkness of the dead end road straight ahead, He let me see that there was a new road that took a sharp right hand turn, a road that I never knew existed.   That road was international adoption, I never saw it coming, but I couldn't be happier that it did.  The fact that the road to the extreme right was newly available to me changed my life forever.  I can't imagine what my life would be like if I didn't see that right hand turn.  Even though it wasn't paved very smoothly, it was an awesome ride.  It was rough and their were roadblocks that took time and faith to clear, but as bad as it would get at times, I knew that it was the right road to be on.  Faith, trust and determination paid off and after 13 months we were united in Guatemala with our beautiful daughter, Olivia.  She melts my heart every time I look at her I am forever grateful to have her in my life.

Knowing that the ups and downs lead to the best reward ever, there was no question that I would be willing to take that road again, as long as I have my husband and my daughter by my side I can do it.  So, after many, many, many, months of research I finally found a country that spoke to my heart and to my husband and daughter.  I was able to find many families who were in process or had already adopted from Ecuador and the support from them was incredible. I knew in an instant that Ecuador was the place for us.  I told Bill all about it and he felt the same way.  We told Olivia all about it and she was very excited that she truly was going to have a little sister! 

I contacted the agency the next day and got the process underway.  Just as I did for Olivia's adoption I will be posting on this blog to chronicle what we have accomplished and what we have been doing to pass the time while we journey to our daughter in Ecuador!!  Check back often for updates.  I will be posting pictures as well, of Olivia of course, and one day it will be pictures of Olivia and her sister.  I Love the sound of that!!!